It was a day. It was a week. A month. A year. It was starting to be a decade of suffering.
The mounds upon mounds of paperwork were piling up; the stress of facing one more challenging situation was building. The lack of energy to develop one more therapeutic activity was a burden too great to bear. The juggling act of multi-tasking was too much to handle, and to top it off, productivity standards were seemingly impossible to meet.
I remember being handed a schedule. And seeing the long list of names on it, my heart sank. I just couldn’t do it.
So began my decision in 2013 to consider leaving the field of speech pathology. I took some time off, eventually leaving the position. As I pondered which direction to go, I maintained my license and ASHA certification, but didn’t plan on utilizing them again in a formal capacity. I felt I was done. I was spent. I felt I had given all I had to a profession that took all I had out of me, and I had nothing left to give.
Little did I know I had it backwards.
Through introspection, soul searching, seeking treatment and receiving wisdom from friends, I came to realize that for me, the issue was not the profession at all. The issue was not my employment setting. The issue was not the nature of my career. It was not productivity standards, paperwork conundrums or workplace conflicts. It was not the fast pace of the workplace setting. It was not the variable hours; the feast or famine. The issue was not emotionally challenging family dynamics to have to navigate. No, it was not any of these, like I thought it was.
The issue was something closer.
As I was taking care of my patients, giving my all, I was pouring my heart and soul into caring for others, guiding them, cueing them, and supporting them. At the same time, having a family, I also parented from my heart, nurturing and investing in my children and loving my husband. Every day I poured out all I had. I gave and gave. I invested myself until I was spent.
And that was the problem. As I was encouraging everyone else, I left myself behind.
You see, the problem was not my profession. I was caring for everyone else, but I failed to care for myself.
It is hard to look in the mirror and recognize this type of truth. And at the same time, I would like to hold up the fact that recognizing this truth has been one of the most helpful things I have ever done.
Somewhere along the way, I had unfortunately developed the myth that sacrificing my health, my quality of life, my sleep, my peace would give me points somewhere. Instead, thinking I was a Superwoman and bulletproof likely brought out the kryptonite in ways I didn’t even realize. I have heard it said that the care that we provide others is only as good a quality as the care that we provide ourselves.
I had stopped exercising. I had stopped caring about what I was putting in my body; I was emotionally eating. I had stopped caring about my medical health, not keeping up on yearly medical/dental appointments. I was not caring about how much sleep I obtained. I was not monitoring the thoughts that came into my mind. I was drinking soda addictively just to get through the day for energy. I was not caring about my appearance. I was not taking time for relaxation or rejuvenation. I was not taking time for fun, leisure or entertainment. I was not taking time to connect with friends. I was not spiritually investing or growing. We had experienced some setbacks in our family and I was not coping well as a response. In essence, I was working myself and parenting myself to the ground. It was about pushing ahead. It was all about others. It others were “OK,” then I was going to be “OK.”
When we fail to take care of ourselves, the difficulty presents itself in various ways, sometimes as burnout, but it can also present in mental health issues, addictions, marital problems, isolation, medical conditions, stress and other associated conditions. Taking care of ourselves is a job that only we ourselves can do, it is an only “solo-person” job. Taking care of myself is a job that only I can do. Taking care of yourself is a job that only you can do. Of course, we all can be supported by others and can be taken care of by others, but the job of “taking care of oneself” can only be taken care of by “self.” I say this because I used to think that self-care was selfish because it had the word “self” in it. Taking care of one’s self is not selfish at all.
It is important to effectively and thoroughly take care of one’s self in order to be able to care for others to a full and sustainable capacity. I know this first-hand.
In realizing that what needed adjusting was my response to my self-neglect of my own needs, and not a career change, I then had an opportunity to re-discover my connection with the field of speech pathology. I reconnected with my “first love”; my desire to assist others with communicating their wants and needs, to assist patients with swallowing disorders. I remembered that I enjoyed taking part in that process of rehabilitation for others. I just realized that to play this integral part, it was necessary for me to daily fill myself up first in every sense — before I could pour myself out for others.
I wouldn’t say that I have reached the “Promised Land,” but I have made progress in the self-care department. I am now exercising, I am taking time for fun. I have an excellent nutrition program that I follow that is sustainable. I go to bed at a reasonable hour. I have a mindfulness regimen. I plan pleasurable events. I participate in self-care. I spend time with friends. I have people who hold me accountable for finding balance in my life. I cope ahead when necessary. I have learned what radical acceptance is. I am holding thoughts captive that are not beneficial for habitation in my mind. I am dwelling on beneficial thoughts and emotions. I am tackling unhealthy behaviors. I completely accept myself where I am in this moment, and I also have the door open for areas in my life that I desire to change to an improvement.
So, today, I will do the following:
- Take time for daily physical activity, sleep, excellent nutrition and a mindfulness mindset.
- Find balance in all things.
- Remind myself that I likely still have myths I may need to challenge.
- Avoid choices that are maladaptive or not beneficial.
- Utilize skills, techniques and approaches for emotion regulation, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness and mindfulness in all I do.
- Afford myself the same level of kindness that I offer others in my life.
- And above all else, make choices and face each day nurturing myself with the same fierceness that I utilize in nurturing and encouraging patients, my family, and others.
The concept of deciding to to make a career change is a huge step and a deeply personal one. I certainly respect any choice someone has to make for themselves and for their family. For me, it was complicated. And, at the same time, for me, if I would have gone through with changing professions, I would now be missing out on what I have been able to gain.
So, I almost left the field back then. I am so glad I didn’t.
Instead, I found me.
Other nicespeechlady.com resources:
Articulation — free speech therapy materials for adults
Swallowing — free speech therapy materials for adults
Receptive Language — free speech therapy materials for adults
- Receptive Language Assessment Tools
- Receptive Language Handout-ables
- Receptive Language Home Programs
Expressive Language — free speech therapy materials for adults
A/AC — free speech therapy materials for adults
Co-Occurring SLP Diagnoses — free speech therapy materials for adults
Cognition — free speech therapy materials for adults
Voice/Resonance — free speech therapy materials for adults
Pragmatics — free speech therapy materials for adults
Fluency/Stuttering — free speech therapy materials for adults
Other — free speech therapy materials for adults
